Mind-Dancing the Loneliness of Freedom: The Life-dance-story of “Sanmao”1943-1991

“You needn’t come looking for me after today”. Why did I say this? Because sitting there next to me, so sadly serious, he had said this:

“Wait six years more for me. I’ll have 4 years of university and 2 of military service by then; so we’ll be able at last to marry. This is my happiest dream: to own a small parador (pension?), with a wife like you inside whom I can work to support.” He added: “In my own family there is nothing like this feeling of warmth…”

These words, they made we suddenly want to cry, but I said: “Jose, you aren’t even 18’ I’m much too old for you. No more of this dreaming, OK, and no more coming to find me. You may stand under that tree all you want, but I won’t come down again, because 6 years is too long a time, and I ave no idea where I will be off to by then… 6 years is too long to wait. Please hear me, Jose: PLEASE don’t hem me in (chan 缠 wo), if you smother me I’ll get frightened…”

He straightened up then asked:

“So my visits, and the other stuff – have they all been a mistake?”
“You’ve haven’t done anything wrong – I’m telling you this because you are too are TOO sweet (nice)(easily hurt), that’s why I think this better end.”

I stood up, he stood up. Off we went together walking slowly toward a small hill abutting the Madrid Royal Palace. “I’m going to stand up here and watch you go; that is the last I will see of you: please never come back.”

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